Loss of Eden
By Angel of Death
the morning is gravid with dew drops.
sweet from the petals of the flowers
that bare their yellow eyes,
to the endless torrent of blue sky.
they whisper secrets, letting them
carry through the air like nectar,
-filled with a beautiful bitterness
only the kings and queens of
this eden-birthed world,
seem to know.
the grass-in all it's green glory
-is a palace and we are
antique monuments of it's
beauty. you are a wingless
angel, made solely for me
and I love you. You
are a heaven God
could never understand.
it's roads are the curves
of your body, from the
waves of your eyes, to
the contours of your
jaw-strong like the
tsunami roaring in
my soul or the
mountains just
on the eave of
your neck.
it's existence is marred
by the incessant beating
of our hearts, hot and fast
like summer, bright
and filled with ease
like the spring, and
short like the nights
in the cold, desolate
winter.
soon our paradise, lost
to an eternity of love
and bliss, becomes only
a memory, the flowers
with forget-me-not fresh
on their lips, as we walk
away, the gates like a
demon, glaring at us
with eyes birthed
from a world of
crystalline splendor.
and soon, our bodies
began to wither
away, like sculptures
eaten by time and poverty
and hatred and sin. no
longer can I see or
feel the beauty, and
to think that a simple
pomegranate, with it's
fruitless pleasure,
took paradise away
from me.
Notes: in German legend the flowers screamed 'forget-me-not' as Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden. Also, the title of this poem come's from John Milton's Paradise Lost.
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Aaangel! June here!
)
(Why do you use Tildes [~] so?
So, right, the poem:
I don't think you should bring us to a full stop [by using a period] in the first line; rather, I think you should use a semicolon, because the second and first line are invariably related, dear.
Mm, in the third line, I'm not sure if bare should be bear? If you mean like, uncovering yellow eyes, then you should keep bare; if you mean wear/carry yellow eyes, you should use bear, dear.
I kind of feel like you're stressing the imagery too; See here:
I underlined all of the words that are dragging this poem back, Angel. I think the imagery and the picture you are painting is terribly beautiful, but these are... big words! And part of the beauty you have here comes from the simplistic, common words you begin with. Words that aren't used in their common meaning here, such as torrent, are kind of holding this back, dear.
I would take out "in all it's green glory" (side note, it's should be its. it's is the contraction for it is, while its is possessive form), because that phrase is tugging it down. I see that phrase too much nowadays in poetry, and it's becoming overused. Using it here, is like pushing the words through a strainer and they just won't fit.
Also: "I love you" here seems a bit unnatural. I can't figure out why, but it seems stressed.
Its; not it's.
It's is the contraction for it is. Its is possessive form.
This stanza was beautiful. However, I want to point out that you should make your dashes clearer; a dash is two hyphens-- Using one hyphen makes it look like you're hyphenating your words.
[ The sea-- a river grown out of its shell.
The Sea, a river grown-out-of-its-shell]
See the difference?
Little thing on the it's again.
So, no offense, but this stanza was... not to my liking. It felt overused-- these images, flowers, walking away together-- they all raise the image of fairytales, and those are far too common! I think you should pull away from this. Structure this love around something else. Any other images you got? Try something new to symbolize love, dear, because this just felt... overdone.
First, this was a beautiful closing...
But, pomegrants, a fruitless pleasure? O.o
On the whole, I enjoyed this poem. I do have top stress that some of the images were overused, dear, and I felt that the big words were just another way to present them; thus limiting my enjoyment. I also felt that at the beginning, this poem was struggling, but towards the middle, the flow picked up and things carried evenly to the end.
With that said, Angel, I really, really enjoyed this. It was quite a beautiful enjoyable poem--
Gold star.
Keep it up, dear.
June
~Edited~
~Angel
Hey Gal,
Thanks for your critique. It was helpful and actually, I agree with you 100%
I really didn't put much thought into this poem at first, seeing as I just wrote it at 3:00 in the morning. The part about the ice demon was initially the first stanza but someone, it seems that I turned this poem into something else.
So, I'll start from scratch, using your review as a guideline.
Thanks,
~Angel
Hi Angel of Death,
Why is the sky perilous? And why the odd placement of your hyphen? Fix both of those; in the first, the description does not make sense in step with the rest of the "nature" content, and in the latter, it's unnecessary.
Cut the last line. "___ what used to be / what had been / etc" is cliched. Replace it with something...not cliched. Use your imagination.
A spider's web is known for its relative strength. What are you trying to say - that the world was very stable?
An abyss of nothingness is repetition that could be cleaned out much more than it is now. An abyss...what can it symbolize? Surely a human value, surely more than the "nothingness" you've tacked on to the end.
If you're going for the overused pop star Britney Spears look, then you might as well go ahead and put in quotes like "Let's just be friends!" and "Your eyes are like two blue pools!". The quotes you have up there are so trite, and so boring, that's its almost a physical pain to read them. Fix it.
The entire deaf thing is a cheesy play that does nothing for the poem nor for the stanza; it's just a light vehicle, a means to a subpar end. Fix that too. Actually, just go ahead and scratch out this entire stanza, because it's all bad.
Curiously, this part, the section that is the shallowest and has the least content, is the most salvageable because it uses imagery and flow to continue the thought process for the reader. Keep this and use it as a template when forming other lines and stanzas.
The ice demon part was decent, the absolute garbage that came after that was not. Delete the last three lines of that stanza and re-work them over again. Use the idea of the demon to subtly convey how you feel; tell his story, thereby telling your own.
No. No. Delete this part and never use that phrase again, or stop writing poetry.
You've said this exact thing two or three times, almost thought by thought, so why are you doing it again now? You're not adding anything to the reader's experience. Cross out this stanza.
The ending is so disappointing because you let your audience down. The reader expects something lasting, something that can be remembered, and instead is some garbled "touchy feely" prose followed by a word that works as more of a gimmick to answer the previous question than an actual concept. You need to re-do this entire ending; try using the idea of the demon you came up with earlier or the fireworks, and tie it in so that the metaphors are extended and not just one-shots.
Overall, beyond some gems that I pointed out earlier, this entire piece was one big preteen shallow whine, without much imagery or flow, that never deserved to see the light of day. Keep some parts that were good, but most of it should be thrown away and done again.
Hope that helped,
Galerius